Being a mommy has lots of implications. I was prepared for the obvious ones- head chef, taxi, 24-hour on-call service, boo-boo kisser, tear-wiper, snuggle buddy, disciplinarian, etc.
But almost exactly two years into this journey, I realized that if I were going to survive (and more importantly, if my children were going to), I was going to have to develop some wicked negotiating skills. Because let’s be honest: our kids are, in our own eyes, the most magical and wonderful creatures we’ve ever known. But they are master manipulators. I mean, right out of the gate. One of the first words that both Ella and Milo ever learned to sign and say was “more.” Coincidence? I think not.
And so, as Ella’s vocabulary started expanding, so did her independence. It got increasingly difficult to get ready for bed, to come and eat the rest of her lunch, to get in the car, to put on her shoes. Oh and leaving the playground? Almost makes it not worth it to go in the first place, some days.
So I started telling her she had “five more minutes.”
“Five more minutes, and then we need to leave.”
“Five more minutes to play upstairs and then it’s time to eat.”
“Okay, fine. Five more minutes to stay up, but that’s it.”
Suddenly, I seemed to be measuring my life in five minute increments, in the same way I had measured it in 3-4 hour increments when they were newborns. Those days and nights had felt so long and slow when I was right in the thick of it. And yet somehow, I turned around for just a minute, and they’re now 3 1/2 and almost 2. Milo still lets me rock him to sleep, but Ella? She asks for a few stories before bed, and then says, “goodnight, mom.” Not mommy, not mama. Just “mom.” (Soon, I’m sure, to morph into the multi-syllabic elongated “mo-o-o-om” complete with attitude and sass).
The truth is, the days seem long even now. Those five minutes waiting for the timer to go off so that we can get ready for bed seem to drag endlessly. I sometimes envision the five more minutes we spend at the playground eating into the already long to-do list I have waiting for me when we get back home. Some days, I feel that if I have to watch just five more minutes of Bubble Guppies, I will gouge my eyes out with a fork. Five more minutes playing with their Little People. Five more minutes reading a book. Five more minutes of tickling on the floor. Five more minutes swinging on the swings. Just five. more. minutes. mommy, PLEASE! (And do they ever honor MY request to sleep in just five more minutes?? HAH).
And then this morning, as I’m going upstairs to sit and write, Ella asks me to stay downstairs with her for five more minutes, and as I sigh, exhausted because really, all I want is to just sit by myself with a cup of coffee- it hits me.
What if it’s really not about a power struggle? What if it’s not that my children are master manipulators, but little creatures who are teaching their mommy how to live in the moment? What if I started looking at those five minutes as gifts, instead of negotiations. Would that be so bad? And what about those parents who would give anything to have five minutes back with their children, who would give anything to have them be healthy for just five more minutes?
And lest anyone should think I’m heaping a steaming hot plate of guilt alongside their turkey today, no. It’s not that. It’s just some perspective that I have been severely lacking as of late, and the realization of that, in and of itself, is a gift. These are exhausting years that call for sacrifice, sacrifice, and just when you think you’re tapped out- even more sacrifice. And some days, in all brutal and pathetic honesty- I’ve been bitter about it. There are moments I look at this life I have- the life that I always wanted and thought for sure I couldn’t be lucky enough to live- and even in the midst of seeing how beautiful it is, I still find ways to feel sorry for myself. Some days, my worst battles aren’t actually with my three year old; they’re with myself. Over whether or not I live selfishly or selflessly. I don’t always make the right choice. But none of us do. And we’re also allowed to let ourselves off the hook for some of that, too.
The days are long. Sometimes the very minutes are long. But the years are short. We can get back just about everything we give, except for time. And five more minutes, in the grand scheme of things could be a little- or actually, a lot.